Dear Aunty,
I need some advice. I am embarrassed and hurt by people who say to me, “smile” or “why are you looking so miserable?” or “you look so sad”. These are often made when I am quite content, enjoying myself or being happy and social. I cannot help if I have a spaniel face or look miserable. Inside I am happy and relaxed. How do I respond to these hurtful remarks? A fake Cheshire grin is not correct either. If I ignore them the hurt remains and spoils my social events. I have endured these remarks from my teens right up to now, in my 80s. How would you react to these strangers or friends who make these comments? I do like to socialise but find these remarks like a kick in the gut.
Yours, Not Sad
Dear Not Sad,
How would your Aunt respond? Well, One is not sure One would get away with outlining One’s course of action in print. But, suffice to say, One would not be willing to take these hurtful comments lying down.
No one has the right to comment on anyone else’s appearance in any capacity. There has been a lot of attention given to fat-shaming but those of slight frames will tell you it is just as hurtful to have people call them “skinny” or “too thin”. Likewise, we shouldn’t make comments on someone’s face or facial features either. Most us would be aware it’s rude to walk up to a random stranger and tell them they have a nose like Pinocchio or lips like a turtle, but for some reason people think it is fine to comment that you look sad perhaps simply because your mouth might turn slightly downwards.
Your Aunt can empathise because One has often been told One has resting bitch face. One takes it in One’s stride because it is not entirely inaccurate. But One has also experienced being told to “cheer up” or “you could at least look like you are having fun” and it does nothing to improve One’s mood. In fact, it just adds to whatever frustration One might be feeling (and displaying on One’s face) at the time.
To be fair, One has found these comments are almost always delivered as passive-aggressive chat-up lines by drunk blokes who seem to think telling a woman they could look happier is a sure-fire way to end the night in a steamy smooch. Needless to say, any fellow using this approach has been left bitterly disappointed when your Aunt rewarded them with nothing more than a deeper scowl and a few choice words which loosely translate to “go away”.
One understands that perhaps you do not want to be confrontational in your response because sometimes this can also have a negative impact on your mood and enjoyment of a social outing you’ve been looking forward to.
Really, there is not much you can do about what is happening, which isn’t what you want to hear but it is the truth. The change of behaviour needs to come from those who are making the comments in the first place. Unsolicited opinions about someone’s outward appearance, regardless of whether we think the words are insulting, benign or complimentary, should not be shared. Unless someone specifically asks for your opinion, keep it to yourself.
So, while your Aunt can’t really do much to help, per se, perhaps by highlighting your situation and having it printed in this newspaper, it will discourage some people from making these kinds of comments in the future.
Aside from that, all One can really say is, try to care less what people think of you. Their assumptions or comments about you can only affect you if you let them. One knows it is much easier said than done, but it truly is something worth working on and will lead you to feel even more content on the inside. Even if it doesn’t show on your face.
https://thewest.com.au/opinion/anxiety-aunt/anxiety-aunt-help-everyone-seems-to-think-it-is-acceptable-to-tell-me-i-look-miserable-how-do-i-respond–c-16318647
